Inspired by Falsehoods Programmers Believe About Dogs, I thought it would be great to offer you falsehoods programmers believe about mankind’s other best friend. But since I don’t know what that is, here’s instead a version about cats.

  1. Cats would never eat your face.
  2. Cats would never eat your face while you were alive.[1]
  3. Okay, cats would sometimes eat your face while you’re alive, but my cat absolutely would not.
  4. Okay, fine. At least I will never run out of cat food.
  5. You’re kidding me.
  6. There will be a time when your cat knows enough not to vomit on your computer.
  7. There will be a time when your cat cares enough not to vomit on your computer.
  8. At the very least, if your cat begins to vomit on your computer and you try to move it to another location, your cat will allow you to do so.
  9. When your cat refuses to move, it will at least not manage to claw your arm surprisingly severely while actively vomiting.
  10. Okay, but at least they won’t attempt to chew the power cord while vomiting and clawing your hand, resulting in both of you getting an electric shock.
  11. …how the hell are you even alive?[2]
  12. Cats enjoy belly rubs.
  13. Some cats enjoy belly rubs.
  14. Cats reliably enjoy being petted.
  15. Cats will reliably tell you when they no longer enjoying being petted.
  16. Cats who trust their owners will leave suddenly when they’re done being petted, but at least never cause you massive blood loss.
  17. Given all of the above, you should never adopt cats.
  18. You are insane.

Happy ten years in your forever home, my two scruffy kitties. Here’s to ten more.

  1. Here, ask Dewey, he knows more about it than I do. ↩︎

  2. Because, while my cat has absolutely eaten through a power cord, this is an exaggeration. The getting scratched while trying to get my cat not to puke on a computer I was actively using happened at a different time from the power cord incident. Although this doesn’t answer the question how she is alive. ↩︎