One of the eating establishments at Duke that everyone knows is Cosmic Cantina. Cosmic is best described as a Chipotle or Qdoba, but without the fine dining experience. Sure, its food might not be the best, and sure, at first glance you wonder whether the health inspector died on his last visit, but it has two unspeakably powerful draws: it’s cheap and it’s open until about 3 AM.

Tonight, as many of my friends graduated from Duke University, I started getting nostalgic. As it happens, there are three Cosmic Cantinas in the world: one in Durham, one in Chapel Hill, and…one in New York City. So I dragged my girlfriend halfway across town so that I could have a nostalgic burrito.

It turns out that Cosmic New York and Cosmic Durham have about as much in common as a freshman and a human. Our experience started when I walked in to order something from the counter. I was quickly informed by a genteel pothead that Cosmic Cantina was a sit-down establishment, and I was welcome to take a seat, following which I would be served. As I tried to suppress a laugh, Irena and I headed outside and sat ourselves down at one of the funky plus-sign-shaped tables. The waiter dude soon came over to hover over us like a hippie vulture while we tried to figure out what to order. We eventually decided on two glasses of water, primarily to make him go away. As I then perused the rest of the menu, I was happy to discover that “generic water” was $2 per glass. When stonerwaiter returned, I settled on a $7 veggie burrito for myself and a $5 glass of sangria for my belle.

Total bill: $18 with tip

Expected bill when I set out: $4

Laughing maniacally at what a rip-off Cosmic is in New York: priceless.

Some things money can’t buy. As long as you have a really fat wallet, Cosmic burritos aren’t one of them.